Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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