i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
