ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
