i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize