I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
