there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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