I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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