I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
