im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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