Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
