I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
