then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
