I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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