im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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