I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
