He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Holy shit dude........stairs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
