I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
