dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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