shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
