that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
