I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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