he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
