i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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