I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
