I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
