wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
