and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
