fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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