in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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