She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
