this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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