Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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