Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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