sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
