I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
