we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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