I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
