I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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