He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
