did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
