I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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