I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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