There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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