it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
