So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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