2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
