dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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