"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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