I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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