Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
