OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
