I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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