i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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