im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
