Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize