All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
