Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
