My hand turned me down
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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