If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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