I wish I could teleport
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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